


But You Still Have All Of Me

by Cassicio



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: A lot of pain, AU, Character Death, F/F, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Songfic, basically this is a lot of pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-27
Updated: 2014-05-27
Packaged: 2018-01-26 18:21:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1698035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cassicio/pseuds/Cassicio
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lydia's gone, but she won't leave Allison be and the brunette isn't really so sure she wants to be left alone anyway, even when the haunting just makes everything hurt more.</p>
            </blockquote>





	But You Still Have All Of Me

**Author's Note:**

> Lyrics is in italics  
> Memories are in bold

_I'm so tired of being here_

_Suppressed by all my childish fears_

 

Allison sat with her back against the locker. Despite the fact that it looked like every other locker in the hallway, this was a specific one.

This was where _she_ had said “I love you” for the first time and Allison had felt the stuttering of her heartbeat inside her chest, instantly grateful that the other girl didn’t have a werewolf’s sense of hearing.

She wiped fruitlessly at the tears cascading down her cheeks, before pulling her legs in tight against her chest and pressing her face against her knees.

“You know, this is really morbid, Alli. I know I’m amazing, but don’t you think it’s time to… I don’t know. _Move on_.”

Even after solid months of this occurring, Allison still flinched. It was _her_ voice, the snarkiness effortlessly etched into the words. The brunette feared the day she’d no longer be able to remember what she sounded like, but she didn’t want to remember it because of this.

 

_And if you have to leave_

_I wish that you would just leave_

 

“You expect me to move on when I still hear your voice everywhere I go?” The words were muffled by the way she was positioned, but the girl refused to look up. Looking up meant seeing nothing, or worse, seeing _her_. She had to keep telling herself that the other girl was truly gone and never coming back. God, why couldn’t she just be left alone, to mourn properly?

 

_’Cause your presence still lingers here_

_And it won't leave me alone_

 

“Please, you’re the one sitting in front of this locker. Clinging. You don’t want to move on.”

“Yes I do,” she whispered, but the words were weak. She wanted it to stop, but even more so, she did want to cling to the last vestiges of the other girl, whose shadow hands held every shattered piece of her heart in a vice grip.

“Liar.” It was said in that all knowing way that never failed to rile Allison up when it was used on her.

“I’m not lying!” Her head shot up to glare at her girlfriend, only to see empty space in front of her. A sob worked its way up from her stomach, through her chest and into her throat, echoing loudly in the empty, dark hallway.

 

_These wounds won't seem to heal_   
_This pain is just too real_   
_There's just too much that time cannot erase_

 

The brunette stood up some time later, when the tears had dried, leaving itchy tracks down her cheeks that she scratched at with angry fingers, not caring if her nails left marks. She’d obviously cried more than she’d realized, a dizziness wrought from dehydration making her sway on the spot and crash back into the metal behind her. She relished in the pain the collision shot through her shoulder. It was real, it was physical and Allison needed it to ground herself. She’d come to crave anything that would draw her away from the constant ache in her chest, even if only for a few moments, and physical pain seemed to be the easiest way of doing so.

But it couldn’t stop the memories.

_  
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears_

**Allison woke up with a start, jolting upright and immediately reaching for the knife underneath her pillow. Then she realized the sound was from a clatter of pebbles against her window. Standing, she quickly made her way over, throwing up the sash and just barely dodging a sharp rock to the forehead. Leaning out into the cool evening, she caught sight of her girlfriend on the ground below, a smile immediately quirking at her lips. It dimmed when she registered the tears flowing down the younger girl’s face.**

**Not bothering to change, she clambered out onto the ledge barefoot, in shorts and a tank top, quickly jumping down and not caring that the mulch below bit into her skin as she landed. Making her way to Lydia’s side, she wrapped her arms tightly around the strawberry blonde, pulling her as close as possible.**

**“I’ve got you, Lyd.” Feeling Lydia sag against her, she pressed her lips to the girl’s pale forehead. “I’ve got you.”**

**“I can feel his teeth digging into me still.”**

**The hunter pulled away just far enough so she could bring a hand up, her thumb brushing away the steady flow of tears.**

**“He will never touch you again,” she stated quietly but fiercely, locking eyes with a brilliant hazel-green pair. “I won’t let him."**

**She felt hands fist in her tank top and was pulled, very willingly, into a lingering kiss, one that was anything but chaste.**

**Allison knew she would kill Peter if he ever came near Lydia again. This wasn’t a new revelation, but one she swore over again every time something like this happened. Whenever Lydia’s gaze became unfocused and her hand strayed unconsciously to her side, or when Peter was at pack meetings. When the redhead would show up on nights like these or wake up crying out and pleading during one of their sleepovers. Allison would comfort the girl, promise he wouldn’t touch her and silently vow murder if it came down to it.**

But in the end that hadn’t been enough, because it wasn’t Peter that had taken Lydia from her. Allison turned, her fist connecting loudly with the locker, reverberations echoing up and down the hallway like a gunshot had been fired.

 

_When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears_   
_And I held your hand through all of these years_   


**The familiar scream had Allison’s gaze breaking from the sight in front of her, of the killer omega finally falling with a wolfsbane tipped arrow through its neck and a second one protruding from his chest. She’d gone after him alone, a stupid move by anyone’s standards, but nobody else had been around, except her and her girlfriend. They’d been out on a date, a picnic, when he’d come tearing through, chasing someone. An innocent. The hunter hadn’t thought twice, before racing to the car and grabbing her equipment.**

**She winced as she turned around, sore ribs from hitting a tree protesting the movement. But overshadowing the pain was the need to get to Lydia. To reassure the girl that her scream wasn’t for someone she loved, a fear the strawberry blonde had confessed to her so many times after a hunt or fight.**

**Staggering slightly, dashing blood away from a gash on her forehead before it could drip into her eyes, Allison made her way back to where, less than thirty minutes before, they’d been happily enjoying the sun through the trees. The minute she broke through the tree line, deceptively strong arms were wrapping around her tightly. The brunette gritted her teeth against voicing her pain, instead hugging the girl back just as fiercely.**

**“I’m right here, Lydia. I’m okay, I swear. I’m right here, yeux verts.”**

**When Lydia pulled back to search her face, the fear just barely starting to melt away from hazel-green eyes, Allison reached out to take her hands and lace their fingers together.**

**“I’m not going anywhere, okay? Not when I’ve got you to come back to.”**

_But you still have_ _  
All of me_

 

And Allison had kept her promise; she’d kept it and always made it home to Lydia. It was Lydia who didn’t come home to her, and yet it still felt like the girl had taken Allison with her, all the parts of her that mattered anyway. All that was left behind was this shadow of the former, lively girl. Because no matter what anyone else did or tried, they couldn’t bring back that spark that Lydia had effortlessly placed in Allison’s eyes.

Turning, Allison punched the locker again, barely even registering the skin of her knuckles splitting open. She just wanted to feel something.

“That’s not going to bring me back, you know.”

Her forehead dropped to rest against the cool metal of the locker, eyes squeezing shut as the matter of fact statement washed over her.

“I didn’t think it would.”

  
  
_You used to captivate me_   
_By your resonating light_

**Dropping down to straddle the log seat a few feet back from the fire, Allison leaned back on her hands, grounding herself with the roughness of the bark against her palms. After everything with the Alpha pack, with Ms. Blake and nearly losing her father, this was a much-needed reprieve. Her pack was scattered around her, Stiles and Scott wrestling with each other at the edge of the fire, Isaac watching, not even trying to conceal his amusement.**

**Derek and Cora had left a few hours earlier and Allison wasn’t sure whether that made her feel relieved or not. Things were healing between her and the former alpha, but everything was still so tender. The time in France helped her settle some, and she’d gained some trust after going into the bank, but she and Derek had yet to actually talk and try to clear air.**

**All thoughts of the broody werewolf were wiped from her mind when a shadow was cast across her lap, firelight blocked by someone stepping up beside her. Her lips quirked up into a content smile as she looked up, breath catching in the hunter’s throat as she caught sight of her girlfriend, illuminated by the flames. Lydia practically looked like she was glowing, her hair lit up like it was made up of fire itself.**

**Shifting, the brunette pulled one leg back over from the other side of the log, turning to face the strawberry blonde fully and reaching out to tug her forward, so she was standing in between Allison’s legs. Peering up at the girl (who, for once, stood taller than the hunter herself due to the lowness of the seat), Allison reached a hand up, tracing a finger gently along the mark Jennifer Blake had left along the banshee’s neck. The fact that she hadn’t been there to protect Lydia made her chest tighten painfully and her smile dimmed. The muscles loosened slightly as the other girl brought her own hand up to grip the one at her neck and pulled it further up to press a kiss to Allison’s palm, smile returning at the soft whisper of Latin she felt, more than heard, spoken against her palm.**

**“Je t’aime aussi.” She murmured back, wrapping an arm carefully around the smaller girl’s waist and hugging her close, settling an ear against a sweatshirt covered chest and listening to the steady heartbeat telling her that, more than anything else, Lydia was still there with her.**

  
_Now I'm bound by the life you left behind_   
_Your face it haunts_   
_My once pleasant dreams_

Jolting awake, Allison bit back a yelp of pain as her reflex reaction sent her elbow slamming into the metal of the locker she’d fallen asleep against. The light creeping across the floor told the hunter that she couldn’t have been asleep more than an hour at most, which wasn’t surprising. She hadn’t been sleeping well at all since she’d gotten the phone call from Scott. Her dreams were filled with memories and nightmares anyway, so the rest she did get was fitful at best. 

Sighing, the brunette pushed herself to her feet, turning to open the locker behind her. The increased light also meant school would be starting soon. Checking her phone, she was unsurprised to find a message from Stiles saying that he was in the parking lot, coffee in tow.

It was becoming routine. For her to wake up biting back screams of Lydia’s name around midnight. To slip away from bed, out of the apartment and head to the school. The security system was laughably easy to get through and she would find herself standing in front of her locker, or outside the chemistry lab. Sometimes she’d fall asleep there, body uncomfortably slumped against the wall, until the nightmares woke her up once more. Other times, she’d simply sit there until the sun rose and she received the ever familiar text from Stiles, who seemed to be getting only a little more sleep than Allison herself, if the permanent dark circles under his eyes were any indicator.

The first time they met up in that particular situation had been a complete accident. Allison had forgotten everything she needed for school that day and, with Lydia’s voice refusing to leave her alone about it, had stumbled out of the school to go home and grab them. Stiles had just been getting out of his jeep, apparently there early because he’d left work in his locker. He’d taken one look at Allison and asked if she wanted to grab some coffee, or rather blurted out that they should grab some.

_Your voice it chased away_ _  
All the sanity in me_

_  
_For a while that was all their interactions consisted of. Him bringing her a cup of coffee, usually by first period, because he didn’t feel comfortable encroaching on her private reprieve, even if he knew it wasn’t exactly a relaxing routine for her. Things changed the night he couldn’t sleep and showed up, only to find her up on the roof of the school.

 

**“Alli A, what are you doing up here?”**

**“She’s everywhere, Stiles. She’s everywhere but she’s not really here and it’s making me go crazy. I can hear her, but I can’t hold her. I can’t kiss her or even hold her hand. It’s killing me, Stiles. Her voice is just this echo and it’s driving me insane. I can’t… I just want to be with her again.”**

**“You think Lydia would want you to throw yourself off the roof of Beacon Hills High?” His voice cracked, giving away the panic and fear underneath the slightly harsh words.**

**A hysterical laugh left the brunette as she threw her arms out to either side of her, causing her to sway slightly from her seated position on the edge of the roof, which in turn had Stiles scrambling a bit closer.**

**“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, Stilinski, but Lydia isn’t here to tell either of us what she wants.”**

**It was true. For once Lydia’s voice, which had been haunting Allison for three solid weeks now, was staying silent. The brunette had to wonder if that was the sign telling her she would be doing the right thing, ending it.**

**“And what about me and Scott? Isaac? What are we supposed to do? Lose two pack members and just move on like everything’s gonna be fine and dandy? The sun‘ll come out tomorrow?”**

**Allison’s hands dropped to the concrete of the roof edge, gripping it until her knuckles were sheet white.**

**“You’ll survive. You’ve got each other and Derek when he gets back.”**   
  
**“We don’t even know if sour wolf _is_ coming back, he’s been gone since-“**

**“I know,” she gritted out, before he could mention that the former alpha had been gone since Lydia’s funeral.**

**“What about your dad?”**

**That question drew a flinch from the brunette. “He’ll move on.” But her words were shaky, uncertain. Chris Argent had already lost his sister, wife and father, not that the last one was a great loss in his daughter’s opinion. What would losing the last member of his family do to him?**

**At the same time, he seemed to hold this weighty expectation of her. Every time they were in the same room, she could feel his gaze, judging and calculating, even if he didn’t intend it to be. Hunters were survivors. Loss was expected and they were expected, in turn, to continue on, to leave their feelings buried with the dead and to keep fighting. But Allison couldn’t do that. Her heart had ended up in Lydia’s coffin and she couldn’t just move forward, a fact that left a rift between father and daughter that she wasn’t really sure was bridgeable.**

**Allison had been so lost in thought that she hadn’t noticed Stiles moving closer, her entire body stiffening as she felt strong arms wrap around her. They didn’t try to pull her away though, instead simply holding her trembling form in their grasp. The comfort conveyed in that simple touch had her walls dropping as if they’d never been there in the first place and the familiar sting of tears burned at the corners of her eyes. Twisting around, the broken girl fisted her hands in Stiles’ shirt and pressed her face against his shoulder, soaking the material within moments.**

Since then, though things hadn’t actually gotten better, Stiles was a steady presence keeping the hunter from being too drastic. He didn’t know about Allison hearing Lydia’s voice still, no one did, but he was there to listen, to hold her when she was about to crumble completely. They kept each other company in the early hours of the morning, when the ghost of the girl they’d both loved, albeit in very different ways, was freshest in their minds.

  
_These wounds won't seem to heal_   
_This pain is just too real_   
_There's just too much that time cannot erase_

Allison shook away the memory and pulled her bag from the locker. She hardly ever took schoolwork home anymore and never did the work on her bed, where she’d remember doing the exact same thing with Lydia working beside her, distracting her from the work with a brush of fingertips along her side and a teasing press of lips behind her ear. It was the little things that hit harder than anything else. Instead she’d work at her desk or, more often than not, copy off Stiles. Her concentration had been shoddy, along with her aim, for months now. Even the disapproving words spoken over her shoulder by her teachers and the ghost of her girlfriend alike couldn’t make her focus for longer than a class period, and that was on a good day.

It didn’t help that exhaustion weighed on her every movement.

  
_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears_   
_When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears_   
_And I held your hand through all of these years_   
_But you still have_   
_All of me_   


Along with her heart, Lydia seemed to have taken everything Allison had to give with her, down six feet underground.

“You’re going to get held back again if you keep this up.”

The brunette shut the locker with more force than necessary, letting it echo loudly in the deserted hallway, before shouldering her bag and dragging her feet towards the front doors to meet Stiles.

  
_I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone_   
_But though you're still with me_   
_I've been alone all along_   


**Shooting a hand out to grab the device buzzing on her side table, Allison grinned down at the phone, only for the smile to dim slightly as she saw ‘Scott’ flash across the screen instead of her girlfriend’s name.**

**Lydia was supposed to call her after she got back home from visiting one of the numerous colleges she was considering attending next year. The hunter hadn’t gone with her this time, an economics paper holding her back, much to her chagrin. Not that it mattered if she went, Lydia could take care of herself and Allison knew it. Still, missing out on alone time with her girlfriend was never high on Allison’s happy list.**

**Sighing inaudibly, the brunette clicked the accept button and lifted the device to her ear.**

**“Scott?”**

**“A-Allison.”**

**The girl straightened instantly at the tremor in her alpha’s voice, slipping to the end of the bed and reaching for her boots automatically.**

**“What’s wrong?"**

**There was an audible whimper from the werewolf, which made her gut clench.**

**“Scott, wha-“**

**“Hospital. You- you need to get to the hospital. There was a car accident. Lydia’s-“**

**White noise buzzed in Allison’s ears after the strawberry blonde’s name was mentioned. It felt like her heart stopped beating for a moment, before it started racing at double speed, her motions as robotic as they were precise as she hung up the phone without a word, cutting Scott off midsentence, before pulling her boots on and practically sprinting out of her bedroom. She only stopped long enough to grab her keys, before booking it out of the apartment and speeding the entire way to the hospital.**

“Honestly Allison, you’re acting like you’re the one who killed me. It’s just a bit pitiful.” 

She gritted her teeth and shoved one of the doors open, early dawn sunlight blinding her temporarily.

  
_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears_   
_When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears_   
_And I held your hand through all of these years_

 

**Bursting into Beacon Hills Memorial Hospital, Allison was brought face to face with the sad eyes of Melissa McCall, freezing her in place. It looked like the nurse had been waiting specifically for her, a fact only proven by the words that came tumbling from the woman’s mouth.**

**“Allison, I’m so sorry.”**

**The white noise was back, accompanied by an icy trickle of fear. She shook her head vehemently, eyes glassy with quickly forming tears.**

**A handful of words made it through to her brain.**

**“Drunk… Hit the driver’s side… died on impact…”**

**Melissa reached for her as her knees buckled, beaten to the punch by her son, who helped lower the girl gently to the floor, where the first heart shattered sob finally broke free.**

 

“Move on.” 

“I _can’t._ ”

 

_But you still have_ _  
All of me_

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, I actually got another fic done. Go me. Not really.
> 
> Anyway, the song is "My Immortal" by Evanescence and this entire fic is pain. I'm sorry.
> 
> Also the Stallison friendship kinda just popped up without my original consent so...
> 
> Reviews are always appreciated, while I steadily try and work my way through more fic ideas.


End file.
